Saturday, February 23, 2008

To Feel, Or Not To Feel.......

..... guilty for not even attempting to blog over the last couple of days? That is the question. Ok, so maybe its not such a good question, but it seemed like a pretty good way to start this off.

I know I generally try to keep this fairly light, and frequently poke fun at myself and my family. Maybe it's by complete design that I try to make myself look like a wonderful wife and mother; a Super Mom, able to juggle everything on a daily basis. Someone who is always in complete control of all aspects of my life at any given point in time. Have any of you actually subscribed to that particular school of thought? If so, you might want to opt out of this post. It's ok. You can keep checking your readers, or just pop back here in a day or so, to see if I've posted anything new. I'll be ok with that. But for those of you who had that annoyingly persistent suspicion that there was maybe more to me than what I've shared.... feel free to stick around. I only ask that you hold all throwing of rotten fruits and veggies until after all is said and done, ok?

Have you maybe, just a little bit, picked up on the fact that I seem to have been afflicted with the "Pollyanna Disease" for quite some time now? It's true. I always seem to find the one bright, positive point to any given situation I find myself in. Drives Coach nuts, actually. He doesn't quite "get" how I can do that, when he so often doesn't see the positive. At all, let alone as clearly as I seem to. And I've been doing it for so long, that it's really just second nature now. Its who I am, and what I do. It's an automatic part of what makes me .... me. And I really wouldn't change that aspect of me. Its gotten my family through some pretty rough patches.

But it gets tiring sometimes, and the burden of being the one to always be positive... heavy.

I've talked quite a bit about Bug, and his quirks. His mood disorders have all been obtained quite naturally, definitely proving the "Nature" vs "Nurture" dispute. I'm so sad to admit that I've tainted his gene pool. See, I'm bipolar. Or manic depressive. Whatever you want to call it. What's worse, is that I'm an UNMEDICATED manic depressive. That, my friends, is a scary thing to be. Scary for me, certainly. But it is also not always a pleasant thing for my family.

I won't go into the reasons I'm not currently on medication. Suffice it to say that a choice had to be made, and I have placed my child's medications above my own. Most of the time, I truly am able to control things with diet and just generally taking care of myself. But its the days when I can't ..... those are the days that I look back on and wonder how I've still managed to keep a husband and children. I look back on those days and wonder how they can all be so forgiving of me, and continue to love me. The last few days .... well, its been quite difficult to get back to my happy place, that's all. I knew it had reached a bad point when I was driving home from work the other night, and I could feel my soul literally craving an evening spent with Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure on continuous loop.

And it IS bad right now. I haven't cuddled with my husband in DAYS, when normally I have to cuddle at least once daily. I am irritated with every little thing my kids are trying to excitedly tell me about at least a thousand times every night. Tonight was the first night I actually cooked something for dinner in days, and I even messed that up (hello? What is tuna casserole if you forget to include the tuna?!?). I've found myself getting extremely impatient with everyone at work, and just generally snapping at everyone I talk to. All I want to do is lay in bed. I don't even want to get out and shower. I just want to lay there. Awake, asleep... doesn't matter. The purpose is just to hide away from everyone.

These are the moments when I push myself to my busiest. Its almost like I'm running away from the feeling of needing to hide, and if I run fast enough, and keep enough activities between it and myself, it won't be able to catch me and overpower me. Silly, I know. But for years now, that mental image has kept me on this side of "normal".

So forgive me when it seems like I've gone MIA for a few days. Those missing days are when I'm digging the deepest into my soul, finding the me in there that is usually so in control. I take that time to get re-grounded, and to reacquaint myself with the reasons why I bother trying to control this inner demon at all. I always know when I've been found, as I start apologizing to Coach for being so horrible, and I start listening to my kids.

Lucky for me, they're still telling me they love me.

But it probably wouldn't hurt to break down and buy a copy of Bill & Ted to have on standby.


Huckdoll said...

Oh hun. Go. Go take care of yourself, we will all be back when you're ready to return.

You might know I've been battling a few of my own demons lately and the time away has been great for my mind and soul - and the support from my fellow bloggers has been amazing.

We understand -take care of yourself.

PS. I've forgotten to add the tuna to the tuna casserole more times than I'd like to remember.

Anonymous said...

Wow, such a brave post!!! Girl, we all have our demons. You should read one of my latest talks about feeling alone because we're afraid to share those demons with our friends. Just hold tight to that rope...we're here at the other end, waiting.

Amy said...

I just want to be there with you. To give you a big hug and let you do what you need to do.
You are an amazing woman, and I am sorry you suffer from this. My grandmother did too, so I know...

My heart and prayers are with you.

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

Having dealt with depression, I understand. I'm sorry you are feeling low. I hope you work through it very soon. You know the men-folk are behind you. And, I'm sure they enjoy Bill & Ted, too.

LunaNik said...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

We miss you when you are gone, but eagerly await your return.

Keep yourself well and balanced. Keep your children fed and loved and your husband happy.

We will wait for you.

P.S. Tuna Casserole without tuna is officially called Tuna Surprise as in "Surprise...there's no tuna in here"

Stella said...

Wonderfully brave post. Thank you for sharing.
I had a lot of those days when all I wanted to be was in bed after my daughter was born. I still have them.
Your strength is amazing and your recognition of your "faults" is brave and courageous. You have an incredible handle on who you are and it sounds like your family is wonderful. You deserve them!
You also deserve some Bill and Ted, too!

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

I intentionally make tuna casserol without the tuna. Really.

Take care of yourself, woman.


Karen said...

It takes a lot to admit that here, among us who know nothing. And I admire you all the more for it. Take care of yourself now that you're in the midst of sports season and do what you need to to find the happy place. Your family loves you because you're the best wife and mom they know.

suchsimplepleasures said...

the beauty of seems so unconditional...we love you, we love your blog...and, we are here for you, no matter what...even if you are absent for days!! does your family!!

jennifer h said...

I'm just getting caught up on some of your posts (sorry!)...

First of all, tuna casserole without the tuna? Makes it something my kids might actually eat.

I know about demons, and I'm sorry you're struggling with them right now. Take care of yourself?

Flea said...

Thank you for posting. My Hunny is bipolar, diagnosed in college. He's been on and off of various medications over the years, but it's always been a struggle. For all of us. He asks the same question of me you seem to be asking. "Why do you stay with me?" The creativity, the humor, the absolute bottomless depth of emotion and personality - sounds like you are that same way. And really, we all have our demons. The bipolars demons are a little more pronounced, but the flip side is that y'all make up for it in amazing, hilarious ways. You're also much more empathetic when others screw up. :)

I'm late reading this post and hope you've reached the other side.

Shellie said...

My daughter watches The Nanny to get out of her moods. You're doing great considering the circumstances and you have a right to take it easy- it's a hard challenge, but you are facing it with courage. I hope both your and your son's needs can be met though.