Monday, March 7, 2011

When Vanity SHOULD Outrank Laziness....But Doesn't

It started with discovering that the water was just a tad bit too warm. Okay, fine. It scalded me when I stepped into the shower.  It got worse from there.

I shampooed with conditioner, and conditioned with shampoo.

I missed an entire section of leg hair. After already slicing my leg when I went to adjust my foot on the tiny little shelf in the shower while I was actively shaving.

Missed a whole section on the other leg, too. *sigh*

Stepped on the dog when I got out. She blends in with the bathroom rug really well.

Had to lean so far over the vanity to see my face in the mirror that my upper lady parts were resting in the sink. Against the cold faucet.

Observed that having my nose pressed up against the mirror simply did not leave me enough room to apply any sort of cosmetics, and so rather confidently made the decision to step back to my normal spot for this activity. After all, how hard can it be to find my own face? I mean, it's always right there with me.


I stabbed myself in the eye. Twice. In each eye, actually.

I somehow managed to apply blush to my eyebrow line rather than my hairline.

And it looked like I was single-handedly (which may or may not be a word) trying to bring back that oh-so-attractive 80's style of applying eyeshadow clear out to your temples.

And then I stabbed myself in the eye again with the stupid mascara wand.

But! I wasn't done just yet.....

I missed the toothbrush with the toothpaste. Twice. And then when I wisely decided to bring that sucker up close enough to see, ended up with toothpaste on the tip of my nose. Don't ask.

I don't think my toothbrush made it under the water even one time.

I grabbed the wrong deodorant.

And I may have even been guilty of doing more to blow-dry the towel hanging up behind me than I was on my hair.

All of this so that I didn't have to actually put my contacts in yesterday just to go to the store.  The Teenager was driving, so I reasoned I wouldn't really need them. After all, I can function just fine with only my glasses, is what I confidently told myself.

Turns out that I? Am a big, fat liar. Because apparently I can only function well enough with those suckers to avoid stubbing my toes as I walk around my house.

Maybe not even that, because I tripped over the dog as I walked out of my room. The dog that is a cross between a Great Dane and a German Shepard. You know, the big one you CAN'T MISS?

(And shush...everyone knows that you can't wear glasses in the shower or while you're putting anything on your face. So they were nice and comfy in their little case, sitting right there on the counter, laughing at me during this entire fiasco. Maybe. I'm not sure they could even see me. You know, cuz they completely missed the dog and all.)


LegalChic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LegalChic said...

Lmao thats great! Don't feel bad, I was walking through the hall, rushing of course, trying to put on a hoodie and kicked the exercise machine (that I didn't have room in the living room for) so hard I broke my pinky toe lol and I didn't have the excuse of needing glasses for that one! Just tring to do too many things at one time.

T said...

I will do almost anything to not have to wear contacts for a day... and usually end up with quite a few fiascoes to convince myself how worth it an eye-break is.

shhh... don't tell ManOfTheHouse - but last time I'm pretty sure I used his toothbrush by accident.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Totally had a day like that yesterday.

Karen said...

Of all the hilarity, I'm laughing hardest at the "upper lady parts" comment.

And don't feel bad - I dressed myself up so very nicely and looked all purty-like to go shopping with teen girls, only to shart myself at the mall. Apparently at our ages you can't win no matter what.