I have no idea.
Sure, he's headed into the Navy later this fall. And sooner than that, he's headed into a job, God-willing. At least for the summer. (He's been warned....no more school + no more sports = no more of Mom blindly supporting his life.) But where does life really go from here?
I have suddenly become the mother of a son I don't get to lead into the decisions he should be making. (Yes, you can feel free to translate that into "control". I won't take offense. I can't...it's true.) Although, truth be told, he was never one for blindly following my suggestions, anyway.
We had a discussion last night (and by discussion, I really mean that I tried talking to him while he busily texted various friends, and made what I'm sure he deemed appropriate grunting responses in reply to my words), where I admitted to him that I knew he no longer had to actually ask for permission to do things and go places. And never one to waste an opportunity to further instruct my offspring in the ways of respect and courtesy, I also reminded him that this did not mean he could stay out til all hours of the night, going God only knows where and doing God only knew what with God only knows who. Because while God knew, I wouldn't, and he still lived with me in my house and not with God in His.
All the while, I was reminding myself in my head to be verrrryyyy careful not to utter this phrase: As long as you live in my house, you will..... (fill in the blank)
Because I remembered that the last time I heard that, I moved out of my parents' house and in with the Teenager's father. And while that may have eventually turned out well....it's been a rough eighteen + years. I do NOT want that for my child. So I will continue to be vigilant in not uttering that phrase in his hearing.
But what I'm really wondering is not so much where does HIS life go from here, but where does MINE go from here?
Before too long, it will be just me and Bug. And while most of the time he seems to enjoy my company more than his brother does, I'm not fool enough to believe that he'll willingly suffer my hovering for long. For so long, my life has been almost exclusively filled with my boys and their activities. With the Teenager no longer contributing to that, I'm feeling a little lost. I've only got Bug for another 5 years, and I discovered the hard way with the Teenager that that is a very short amount of time that goes by entirely too fast. With Coach now over the road and only home for a couple of days every few weeks, it's looking like it's time to figure out who I am underneath the Mom uniform. The only thing I know for sure that I like doing is reading, and I really do know that it would not be a good idea for me to retreat entirely into a world of books. I'm a little daunted by the prospect of finding new aspects of myself.
And if I'm being honest.... I'm a lot freaked out, too.