Monday, December 10, 2007

All I Want For Christmas

I got this in an email from a friend today, and loved it so much I wanted to share it with all of you! I would love to give credit to the original author, but I don't know who that is. I'll have to be satisfied just making sure you all know it wasn't me. :) Wouldn't want to be accused of stealing someone else's stuff, now would I? Especially not at this time of year when all good deeds count! Anyway, enjoy!

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM...

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

11 comments:

Cecily R said...

Oh, I so agree with the PS on this! And, the compartment in the refridgerator to hide and talk on the phone totally made me laugh! I need one of those!!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Aw, what a sweet ending.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I love this letter!! And you have HUEY LEWIS on your blog!! I saw him twice in concert - I love you!!! :-)

Thanks for leaving the REALLY nice comments about CJ. It means so much to us all that you would say such nice things....

Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/

Karen said...

Oooh, me too! Me, too! I want those things, too! I'm pretty sure they're on every mom's wish list. Although power tools to zip your pants could be painful.

moooooog35 said...

Wow..yours is a long list.

Here's mine:

"Dear Santa,

Please bring me Scarlett Johannsen. Thanks in advance.

Rod"

..maybe I should have written something in there about making him cookies.

Dammit.

Sue said...

The changing Tibetan monks cracked me up.

Man, some days that is soooooooo true. My kids know that after years of eating cold food, they sometimes have to wait for me. Of course, they look at me with their heads cocked to the side like confused dogs, but they wait patiently.

The Sports Mama said...

Cecily, I might not have a hidden compartment in my fridge, but my kids are now old enough to know that if I'm hiding in my closet they need to leave me alone!

LBB: thanks. I'm pushing it one more year for my 9 year old. Although I think he's just humoring me.

Hallie, I LOVE Huey Lewis! He rocks! And CJ (and YOU) deserve all the nice things everyone is saying! :)

Karen, I'm inclinde to agree on the powertools. But have you ever tried pliers? They work, but they're not so easy! ;)

Rod, if anything could get you Scarlett Johansen, it would be really good cookies.. lol

Sue, mine have now gotten old enough to understand the lure of hot food for me. :)

Christina_the_wench said...

Mine reads...

Dear Santa,

Please bring me time to go to the bathroom without hearing MOM! through the door.

Christina

Rachel said...

Dear Santa,
please bring me a breast re-positioner (not my husband's hands), some dark chocolate with energy boosters, a sound proof bathroom with a kid proof lock.
Thank you.

The Sports Mama said...

Christina... where have you been? :) And yes, that would be an awesome thing to get for Christmas!

Rachel, a breast re-positioner?? OMG.... I laughed so hard at that one! However, once I stopped crying, I had to agree that would be an amazing gift! :)

Karen said...

I love Rachel's breast re-positioner! hahaha (I agree that it would have to be other than hubbs hands.) I think of Cecily's accurate description of "rocks in socks" and realize that I could definitely use one of those babies.