Things I Won't Post On Facebook Where Anyone Can Find Me

Since every potential employer, neighbor, in-law and parent of your children's friends does an Internet search for you before they'll even think about thinking about talking to you these days, there are many things that it might not be wise to post as your status update on Facebook. It is a fortunate circumstance, indeed, that I tend to more often be more wise than not. However, that does leave all sorts of little creative blips floating around in my brain, with no where to go. (Kinda like your ovaries if you've only had a partial hysterectomy. They're just sort of free-floating around in there. And see? That is something I could never share on Facebook. I mean, who wants to see that you're talking about your ovaries making the last minute decision to head up towards the lungs for one of those hip new "oxygen parties" this weekend, thereby leaving your kidneys to find alternate entertainment for a couple of days?) And being more often wise than not, I manage to refrain from posting status updates that would make me sound anything BUT rational all the time.

However, so that all this creativity doesn't simply float around in my head, risking getting lost or suffering an almost certain death, I thought I'd share these little gems here. Because while my Super Secret Alternate Identity is actually known on Facebook, it's not known here. So most of you will never know what I said. And those people out there looking for me will never know what I said. And those of you who know me as both Sportsmama and My IRL name? Well, let me just threaten you with the teenager for a month if you spill it. He's a super well-behaved kid, so let me assure you that is not why I'd send him. No. I'd send him for the grocery bill alone. That child eats like he's storing food for the winter. Anyway, here's goes. If I wasn't so scare of being found on Facebook by an employer, these are some things I'd update my status with:

--A cold, wet dog nose in the small of your back works better than an alarm clock almost every time.

--Of all the things my youngest son could have inherited from me, smelly feet would not have been something I wished upon him.

--If there is a good reason for being up all night on the computer, despite being tired enough to fall asleep in the chair, I have yet to discover what it may be.

--One of my least favorite things about parenting boys is the toxicity of the smells that they take such pride in. Conversely, that pride? Is one of the funniest things.

--Is it really that bad that I have a list of famous men that I'd consider leaving my husband for? Is it any worse that he tells me he'd just wave me off with the parting comment "Don't forget to send the alimony check!"

So you can see why I can't post these as updates, right? Every potential employer or future daughter-in-law would think I was a flaky insomniac who laughs at her smelly boys, has intrusive dogs and never hears the alarm!